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Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush.

Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location.

After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush.

It was decided that the brush was invented by a redneck.

Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion.

They all agree it was a simple deduction, “If it was invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teethbrush.”

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Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe’s former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. “Doc!” Joe says, “It’s amazing! I’m cured!”

“That’s great news!” the psychoanalyst says. “you seem to be doing much better. How?”

“I went to see another doctor,” Joe says enthusiastically, “and he cured me in just ONE session!”

“One?!” the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

“Yeah,” continues Joe, “my new doctor is a behaviorist.”

“A behaviorist?” the psychoanalyst asks. “How did he cure you in one session?”

“Oh, easy,” says Joe. “He told me to cut the legs off of my bed.”

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1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don’t be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don’t be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her

21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she’ll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she’s eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don’t surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won’t bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It’s always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won’t be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won’t be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It’s not much money to catch your honey
54) Don’t be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain’t no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don’t cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can’t use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don’t hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she’ll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain’t your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won’t spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain’t no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her

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A student comes to a young professor’s office hours.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.”I would do anything to pass this exam,” she says.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do anything…”

He returns her gaze, “Anything?”

“Anything.” She says

His voice softens, “Anything?”

“Anything,” she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you … study?”

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• In 1783 an Icelandic eruption threw up enough dust to temporarily block out the sun over Europe.

• About 20 to 30 volcanoes erupt each year, mostly under the sea.

• A huge underground river runs underneath the Nile, with six times more water than the river above.

• Lake Bosumtwi in Ghana formed in a hollow made by a meteorite.

• Beaver Lake, in Yellowstone Park, USA, was artificially created by beaver damming.

• Off the coast of Florida there is an underwater hotel. Guests have to dive to the entrance.

• Venice in Italy is built on 118 sea islets joined by 400 bridges. It is gradually sinking into the water.

• The Ancient Egyptians worshipped a sky goddess called Nut.

• The world’s windiest place is Commonwealth Bay, Antartica.

• In 1934, a gust of wind reached 371 km/h on Mount Washington in New Hampshire, USA.

• American Roy Sullivan has been struck by lighting a record seven times.

• The desert baobab tree can store up to 1000 litres of water in its trunk.

• The oldest living tree is a California bristlecone pine name ‘Methuselah’. It is about 4600 years old. The largest tree in the world is a giant sequoia growing in California. It is 84 meters tall and measures 29 meters round the trunk. The fastest growing tree is the eucalyptus. It can grow 10 meters a year.

• The Antartic notothenia fish has a protein in its blood that acts like antifreeze and stops the fish freezing in icy sea.

• The USA uses 29% of the world’s petrol and 33% of the world’s electricity.

• The industrial complex of Cubatao in Brazil is known as the Valley of Death because its pollution has destroyed the trees and rivers nearby.

• Tibet is the highest country in the world. Its average height above sea level is 4500 meters.

• Some of the oldest mountains in the world are the Highlands in Scotland. They are estimated to be about 400 million years old.

• Fresh water from the River Amazon can be found up to 180 km out to sea.

• The White Sea, in Russia, has the lowest temperature, only -2 degrees centigrade. The Persian Gulf is the warmest sea. In the summer its temperature reaches 35.6 degrees centigrade.

• There is no land at all at the North Pole, only ice on top of sea. The Arctic Ocean has about 12 million sq km of floating ice and has the coldest winter temperature of -34 degrees centigrade.

• The Antarctic ice sheet is 3-4 km thick, covers 13 million sq km and has temperatures as low as -70 degrees centigrade.

• Over 4 million cars in Brazil are now running on gasohol instead of petrol. Gasohol is a fuel made from sugar cane.

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So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day…
Look at the bright side,
she’s a really good lay.

My tire was thumping….
I thought it was flat….
when I looked at the tire….
I noticed your cat… Sorry

You had your bladder removed
and you’re on the mends….
here’s a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You’ve announced that you’re gay,
won’t that be a laugh,
when they find out you’re one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
‘Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you…
How upset you must be…
But don’t fret about it ….
She moved in with me

Your computer is dead…
it was once so alive….
Do you regret installing
Win 95?

You totaled your car…
and can’t remember why…
could it have been…
that case of Bud Dry?

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A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.

She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Cody,

P.S.. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it’s safe to come home.

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