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A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil:

Devil: Hey, whatcha lookin so down for?

Man: If you died and went to Hell, you’d be feeling down too!

Devil: Hell ain’t what you think it is. It’s fun down here. Say, do you drink?

Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why?

Devil: Well, you”re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tiquila, rum, vodka, all the booze you wanna drink. We drink til we puke and then we drink some more.
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• Facts and truth really don’t have much to do with each other.
• It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.
• The last sound on the worthless earth will be two human beings trying to launch a homemade spaceship and already quarreling about where they are going next.
• If a writer has to rob his mother, he will not hesitate: The ‘Ode on a Grecian Urn’ is worth any number of old ladies.
• Hollywood is a place where a man can get stabbed in the back while climbing a ladder.
• A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
• All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible.
• I never know what I think about something until I read what I’ve written on it.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
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