On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful; I’m going to New York; and I’m not moving.”
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful; I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. (more…)
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’.
She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
Order ten pounds of corned beef at the deli counter, sliced extra thin. Walk away during the slicing of the final pound, whistling.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.
Dump out a container of liquid laundry detergent and report the spill to customer service. Repeat immediately in another aisle.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all thespray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
Try to purchase one grape. Repeat until the laughter subsides and they feel obligated to start charging you.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down. Once you have mastered this, progress to “boobs”.
Order a dozen live lobsters and set them free throughout the store. (After removing the rubber bands from their claws, of course.)
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit, then arrange them into erotic poses.
When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi. I haven’t seen you in so long.” etc. See if they play along. Insist on calling them ‘Bob’, and if they protest, get angry about it (violent if necissary).
Empty a bottle of aspirin all over the floor and lie down next to it.
As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say “BEEP” in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customers items.
Leave small, expensive, easy-to-scan products in other people’s carts.
John was driving his pickup down a country lane, when suddenly a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He’s just about to slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken has sped on ahead doing about 30 miles per hour.
Amazed, he sped up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a small farm. As he turns to follow, John notices that the chicken has THREE legs.
He pulls to a stop in front of the farm house, and looking around, notices that ALL the chickens have 3 legs.
He says to the farmer “THREE-legged chickens? Thats amazing!” (more…)
