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A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich, he eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.
The bartender yells for him to stop.
The panda bear asks, “What do you want?”
The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.”
The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!”
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# Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
# I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
# Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
# Someone call the janitor! We’re going to need a mop!
# Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
# Ya’ know… there’s big money in kidneys… and this guy’s got two of ‘em.
# Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
# Don’t tell me you forgot to bring the anatomy book!
# Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
# Damn! There go the lights again…
# What’s this doing here?
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On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful; I’m going to New York; and I’m not moving.”
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful; I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
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At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Insist that your email address begins with ‘xena-warrior-princess’ or ‘elvis-the-king’.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write “FOR SEXUAL FAVORS”.
Finish all your sentences with, “In accordance with the prophecy.”
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
Sing along at the opera.
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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’.
She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do.
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