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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we’ll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault…it was the asphalt!”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight…!”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

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When Berlin Police got a call from a man who claimed he broke into an apartment and found a body they thought someone is just trying to be funny.

Apparently funny Berlin Burglar broke into apartment Tuesday evening only to find a dead body on the floor, and decided to call the police.

He used a nearby public phone to report his discovery and made clear he was not responsible for the death.

“He called to say he’d just broken into a flat and found a dead body,” said a spokeswoman for Berlin police on Thursday. “He gave the address of the place and then hung up.”

On arrival, officers found the corpse of a 64-year-old owner in his bedroom. It’s believed he died about two weeks ago, and since there were no signs of violence, the authorities are not treating the death as suspicious.

The Funny burglar has not been heard of since. Local media said he fled the flat empty-handed, but police could not confirm this.

When Watson came to Denver’s National Jewish Medical and Research Center complaining about lung problems last September he went trough a series of tests and biopsies and in the end was put on inhalers and steroids.

After the doctors realized that none of the treatments were helping he was referred to pulmonary specialist Dr. Cecile Rose.

She took him trough a 90-minute interview, trying to figure out which one of his habits is making him ill. After realizing that his symptoms matched those of workers in popcorn factories she said, ‘I’ve gotta ask this question, it’s going to seem weird, but do you ever eat microwave, butter-flavored popcorn?”

Watson recalled. “It was like lights went off, marching bands started to play. I said, ‘How did you know to ask that? I am microwave popcorn. I eat two bags of it a day every day.”

He’d been eating that much, for at least a decade. He said, He noticed some funny changes while singing that he could not explain.

“Several years ago during choir rehearsals, whenever I’d do a solo, I would notice my lung capacity was diminishing, and I wasn’t able to sustain the notes like I used to be able to,” he said. “Slowly my lung capacity went from the high 80s down to about the low 50s.”

Hospital investigators found that factory workers were exposed to diacetyl levels between 0.75 and 4 parts per million. Tests in Watson’s kitchen showed crazy amount between 0.5 and 3 parts per million, according to the hospital.

Diacetyl is a naturally occurring chemical compound that gives butter its flavour. It has been approved by the Food and Drug Administration as a flavour ingredient, but apparently it’s vapors are not as harmless.

The chemical has been the subject of hundreds of lawsuits against the companies that produce or use the butter flavoring. They have paid out more than $100 million over the past five years to settle lawsuits filed by workers who have contracted the disease from exposure to the vapors. So far one death from the disease known as popcorn lung, has been confirmed.

Last month, the United States’ four biggest makers of microwave popcorn announced they are working on cool new recipes for their products that will eliminate the need to use diacetyl.

ConAgra, which makes Orville Redenbacher and Act II popcorn, responded to the story with this statement:

“We are fully confident that microwave popcorn is safe for consumers to prepare and eat. However, in order to eliminate even the perception of risk for consumers and to provide the safest possible work environment for employees who handle large quantities of diacetyl, we plan to eliminate the use of added diacetyl in our microwave popcorn products within a year.”

Instead of suing the company that made the popcorns, Watson is filling a crazy lawsuit against the store where he bought them.

Watson’s lawyer, Kenneth McClain, said the lawsuit filed in US District Court names The Kroger Co and two of its divisions: grocery store King Soopers’ parent company, Dillon Companies Inc, and food distributor Inter-American Products Inc.

A spokeswoman for Kroger said the company does not comment on lawsuits.

Arrested in August 1958 for attacking his father, he was sent to jail, than moved to mental hospital for treatment and finally went back to jail in mid-80′s, until the court had finally forgotten his case.

James, who was never put on trial, was a victim of prison bureaucracy in Sri Lanka explained his lawyer.

“James went to jail when he was 30. He has been robbed of his youth and is now a grey-haired man of 80 with failing eyesight,” Dharmavijaya Seneviratne said.

The authorities went trough his release after they noticed him last month when he became ill and needed to be hospitalized. They came across his paperwork while processing his return from a hospital in Colombo.

The lawyer said James, originally from the small village of Ibbagamuwa, about 100 kilometers (63 miles) from Colombo, did not complain about his long-running detention because he was ignorant of the law.

A court official announced that James was released last week on bail and apologized for the “rare, pathetic incident.”

“We are preparing the papers to file a case seeking compensation for $14,000 dollars ( about 280 dollars for each year spent behind bars ) and use the money to pay for his medical and other welfare bills,” Seneviratne said with hopes that the case against his client will be dismissed.

Creator of the video, a 15 year old Kjenn school student whose name has not been disclosed, has admitted posting the video.

“He has not been arrested (and) he is not in police custody. We will speak with him and his father during the day,” said Loerenskog police chief superintendent Jens Bruun.

The 50-second video, posted on YouTube on Saturday, was removed late yesterday.

With music playing in the background, it showed a picture of the school, Braun said. Pictures of six teachers then popped up, as a voice said: “It will happen one day, it will be a bloody machine, one day you will die.”

Brown refused to comment on the boy’s explanation, but said police did not belive he was in possession of weapons.

“The Kjenn school, some 15km east of Oslo, has about 400 students aged 13 to 17,” Bruun said.

After November 7 when 18-year-old Finnish student Pekka-Eric Auvinen killed eight people before turning his gun on himself at the Jokela High School north of Helsinki several schools have been evacuated and closed due to threats.

Before the massacre on November 7, Auvinen posted videos and messages on YouTube indicating what he planned to do.

Banita Jacks, 33, was charged with four counts of first-degree murder and appeared in District of Columbia Superior Court. She did not speak during the hearing and superior Court Magistrate Judge Karen Howze ordered her held without bond.

When investigators came Jacks told a crazy story about children being possessed by demons. She said they began dying in their sleep, one by one, within a seven-day period, and added that she had not fed them for a substantial time before their deaths.

According to the police she said that the deaths occurred before a utility turned off her electricity, which prosecutors said was in September 2007, according to charging documents.

“I don’t think anyone in the city can remember a case involving this many young people who have died in such a tragic way,” Mayor Adrian Fenty said.

Medical examiner Dr Marie-Lydie Pierre-Louis said that Investigators believe the bodies had been there at least two weeks based on the insects that were found, but it was unclear exactly how and when the victims died. Authorities have said the children might have been dead since May.

“The charging documents identify the children as Brittany Jacks, 17; Tatianna Jacks, 11; N’Kiah Fogle, 6; and Aja Fogle, 5. Although autopsies are incomplete, the medical examiner’s office reported that there was evidence that Brittany had been stabbed, the charging documents state. There was evidence of binding on the necks of the Tatianna and N’Kiah, and evidence of blunt force injury to the head of Aja and binding on her neck, according to the documents.”

According to the documents: “Brittany’s body was partially covered by a white T-shirt. An object that appeared to be a steak knife lay nearby, and there was a dried maroon liquid around the body.”

“Somebody should have known that some people were not in school,” said Barry, the former mayor but school officials said the children believed to have been living in the home were not enrolled, though one had attended before withdrawing in 2006 as a fifth-grader.

Mindy Good, a spokeswoman for the D.C. Child and Family Services agency, said: “We made several attempts to make contact with these people. We were unable to have any face-to-face contact with them and on the last attempt (in early May), it appeared they were no longer living at the address.”

Area resident Rowand Simpkins said her neighbors tend to keep to themselves and that she never saw the woman or children. “It’s really a mystery,” she said of the youths’ deaths. “It’s a sad situation.”

Jacks could receive a maximum sentence of life in prison if convicted.

Colleen and Jim Mesler moved into a rented apartment on July 1st 2007. But in early December, the fridge’s self-defrosting freezer wasn’t working right, so Colleen decided to clean the refrigerator and made one crazy discovery.

“I pulled this tray out. It was wrapped in tin foil and plastic, but it was moldy,” Colleen said of the package she found.

“I said, ‘Why don’t you throw it out?” Jim said. “I thought it was old meat, stale meat.”

“But it didn’t smell like bad meat,” Colleen said. “I pulled it apart and found $100 bills. I was more shocked. ‘I’m not throwing this away,’ I thought.”

They’ve spent the day trying to separate the bills apart with a pair of tweezers.

“About $2,000 of it was torn up, or we couldn’t get the mold off it,” said Jim.

They took it to the M&I Bank, hoping to exchange the moldy, broken-up bills for fresh ones. The M&I bank employee advised them to call the police.

Unfortunately, the previous renters of the apartment had been charged with drug trafficking. In a February raid, police uncovered crack cocaine, marijuana, a scale, and other piece of evidence that pointed to drug sales. About $1,100 was also found on purpotrators.

The Meslers are still waiting the official word on whether they would be allowed to keep the money.

“It would be a very big help,” said Colleen, who broke down in tears. “We’ve been waiting and waiting, and nobody’s called to claim it. Other people have found money and got to keep it.”

Janesville Deputy Police Chief David Moore said the city will likely keep the money: “If it is determined that the money is the proceeds from the sale of illegal drugs, then it would be contraband, and on behalf of Janesville taxpayers, we would seize that money.”

Police estimated the stash at $11,950. According to a court document they could not say how much money was in the stash because some of the bills were destroyed.

“I know they (police) want to keep it, but as long as we can keep $8,340, I’ll be happy,” Jim said.

Asked why $8,340, he replied: “Because that’s the number that stuck in my head. I’m not greedy. I just want my $8,340. It was the clean money. It was what we had in good bills.”

The couple said they would still turn in the cash if they had to do it over. But with an income below poverty level, they are hoping the money will eventually be returned to them.

What would they do with it?

“Pay our bills,” the couple said in unison.
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An Arizona-based electronic company has unveiled a new gadget which integrates a Taser stun gun with an mp3 player at the annual Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, Nevada.

This crazy new device known as the Taser Music Player Holster – has already earned the nickname the iTaser.

It fires a 50,000-volt electric charge, but the ampage of the shock the victim receives is as low as 0.00.21 amps. The built-in MP3 player can store 1GB of songs.

The manufacturers hope that it will be popular among women. They’ve already made it available in “red-hot” red, “fashion” pink and even leopard skin print for customers who are as style conscious as they are safety conscious.

Rick Smith of Taser International said that this new product is a result of listening to the customers and stated that “Personal protection can be both fashionable and functionable.”

“A lot of women aren’t going to go into a gun store and feel comfortable enough buying a Taser, so now we have some outdoor companies and dealers – some cell phone places are starting to carry them and hang them next to phones.”

He also stated that he hopes women who are reluctant to take a standard Taser gun out in their handbags will be happier to carry the “iTaser.”

According to the reports around 7,000 of designer C2 Tasers have already been sold in the US.

The cool new gadget will be on display for the whole duration of the exhibit which is expected to attract more than 140,000 visitors this week.

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Their crazy plan was simple enough: stick their pal in an office chair, wheel him round the corner to the Pay-O-Matic at 763 Ninth Avenue and leave him on the sidewalk while they cashed the $355 (£180) cheque.

“Hell’s Kitchen has a rich history but this is one for the books,” police spokesman Paul Browne told the New York Times.

“The witnesses saw the two pushing the chair with Cintron flopping from side to side and the two individuals propping him up.” he explained.

They went in leaving Clintron’s body in front of the store. When clerk, who knew Clintron asked them where he was, Dalaia and O’Hare told the clerk they would go and get him.

By this time detective Travis Rapp who was at the restaurant next door noticed a crowd forming around Clintron’s body. He went to investigate, Browne said, and it was “immediately apparent to him that Cintron [was] dead“.

He alerted the Midtown North station house, and when police and an ambulance arrived they found the two perps “trying to maneuver the corpse and chair into the check-cashing office“.

Cintron’s body was taken to a hospital morgue. The medical examiner’s office told police it appeared Cintron, 66, had died from natural causes within previous 24 hours.

Dalaia and O’Hare, both 65, were being held by police and faced cheque fraud charges.

The BioTruck is a “recycled” 1989 Ford Iveco Cargo flatbed that was rescued from the scrap heap.

The trip was fuelled by 2,000 litres of bio-diesel made from 4,000 kilograms of chocolate – the equivalent of 80,000 chocolate bars. The fuel was made from cocoa butter extracted from waste chocolate.

They Set off from John’s home at Poole, Dorset on November 26 and arrived in Mali, West Africa on Boxing day.

They overcame crazy sand storms and corrupt customs officials and drove through a town where days later al-Qaeda terrorists shot dead a French family, to deliver a biodiesel processing unit and the vans to a charity.

Andy said: “We wanted to do a trip that wouldn’t have a detrimental effect on the environment.”

After successfully finishing the first carbon-neutral trip across the Sahara they have a cool new plan: “A flight to China in a plane powered by rubbish.”

“It’s a bit like ‘Back To The Future’ where they put banana skins in at one end to make it fly,” said Mr Pag, from Croydon in south London.

“That’s science fiction but there is this technology that’s a little bit like that.

“Anything that goes to landfill sites – used tyres, wrapping paper, anything you put in your bin at home – can be used to make fuel.”