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(b. 1945) – American actor, comedian, writer.

• I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and I was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they’re crouching and hidden.
• A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
  Email to a friend There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.
• Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
• [Introducing the best adapted screenplay]
  I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87.
  – (at the 2003 Oscars®)
• What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats…or skinny.
  – (at the 2003 Oscars®)
• How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
• Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!
• First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
• There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.
• You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
• Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman – it’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal’s out of town.
  – (at the 2001 Oscars)
• I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.
• All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.
• Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
• What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

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