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A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich, he eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.
The bartender yells for him to stop.
The panda bear asks, “What do you want?”
The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.”
The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!”
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On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful; I’m going to New York; and I’m not moving.”
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful; I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’.
She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do.
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There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
“Hey buddy, Why the Long Face”
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
Q. What’s pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
Q. What’s blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it’s breath
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other “God it’s hot in here”
The other one replies “Oh no… It’s a talking muffin”
What do you call a woman with one leg?
- Ilene
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