Funny Welcome to Baltimore in Funny Stuff

• First you must learn to pronounce the city name…. It is Bawl-mer or Ball-tee-more, depending on if you live north or south of Rt. 40.
• Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If it is a Howard County map and is a day old it is already obsolete.
• On Monday you don’t wash your clothes, you warsh them. Before you eat a meal you don’t wash your hands, you warsh them in wooder.
• Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere, Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules….”Hold on & pray.”
• There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore … we all drive like that.
• All directions start with… “The Beltway….”….which has no beginning and no end.
• The morning rush hour is from 6am to 11am, the evening rush hour is from 1pm to 7pm… Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
• If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to 5 when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all 5 drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. However, if you don’t go as soon as it turns green, you get the finger, a blowing horn, or both.
• If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during Preakness … run over him! It’s probably not his yard anyway.

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Funny Signs in Funny Stuff

In a toy department – “Five Santa Clauses — no waiting.”

In a New Hampshire medical building – “Martin Diabetes Professional Ass.”

In a number of parking areas – “Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated.”

On an Ohio highway – “Drive slower When Wet.”

Tokyo shop – “Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.”

Car Lot – “The best way to get on your feet….Miss a car payment.”

Church sign – “To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.”

On a New Hampshire highway – “You are speeding when flashing.”

Outside a country shop – “We buy junk and sell antiques.”

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store – “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.”
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Funny If OS were Beers in Funny Stuff

• DOS Beer:

Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.

• Mac Beer:

At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

• Windows 3.1 Beer:

The world’s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer’s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

• OS/2 Beer:

Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won’t explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

• Windows 95 Beer:

The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
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Funny Marketing in Funny Stuff

“Have your next affair here.” – On an Atlantic City hotel restaurant

“Open 7 days a week and weekends.” – In a Maine restaurant

“Eat Here – Get Gas” — A sign at a gas station

“Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.” – In a Zurich hotel

“Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.” – In a Rome laundry

“Specialist in women and other diseases.” – In the office of a Roman doctor

“Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.” – In a hotel in Athens

“Please to bathe inside the tub.” – In a Japanese hotel room

“We are Handicapped – Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you.” – A notice in a restaurant
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Some Funny Quotations from Fortune Cookies in Funny Stuff

“You will find a bushel of money.”

“Your smile will tell you what makes you feel good.”

“You are going to have some new clothes.”

“Your family is young, gifted and attractive.”

“There is a true and sincere friendship between you both.”

“The night life is for you.”

“Face facts with dignity.”

“You are magnetic in your bearing.”

“You are free to invent your life.”

“Good sense is the master of human life.”

“Maybe someday we will live on the moon!”

“Don’t panic.”

“If you don’t have time to live your life now, when will you?”

“Ignorance never settles a question.”
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On October 13, 1944, the Durham N. C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite had
been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having parked his car on
a restricted street right in front of a sign that read “No Stoping.”

Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter
in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the law. Brandishing a
Webster’s ldictionary, he noted that stoping means:

“extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground.”

“Your Honor”, said the man, “I am a law-abiding citizen and I didn’t
extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be dismissed.”
Acknowledging that the defendant hadn’t done any illegal mining, the judge
declared the man not guilty and commented, “since this is Friday, the 13th,
anything can happen, so I’ll turn you loose.”

“No Stoping” is a blunderful example of the suspect signs and botched
billboards that dot the American landscape. Here are some other signs that need
to be re-signed:
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There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
“Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
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Here comes one from the Funny Stuff

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “mother”, although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house.

“But mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?”
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English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every 7 humans can speak it. More than half of the world’s books and 3 quarters of international mail is in English. Of all the languages,it has the largest vocabulary – perhaps as many as 2 MILLION words. Nonetheless, let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
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Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put “trying to do the job alone” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.
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