Funny Stuff

Bizarre and Funny Stuff About The Earth

• In 1783 an Icelandic eruption threw up enough dust to temporarily block out the sun over Europe.

• About 20 to 30 volcanoes erupt each year, mostly under the sea.

• A huge underground river runs underneath the Nile, with six times more water than the river above.

• Lake Bosumtwi in Ghana formed in a hollow made by a meteorite.

• Beaver Lake, in Yellowstone Park, USA, was artificially created by beaver damming.

• Off the coast of Florida there is an underwater hotel. Guests have to dive to the entrance.

• Venice in Italy is built on 118 sea islets joined by 400 bridges. It is gradually sinking into the water.

• The Ancient Egyptians worshipped a sky goddess called Nut.

• The world’s windiest place is Commonwealth Bay, Antartica.

• In 1934, a gust of wind reached 371 km/h on Mount Washington in New Hampshire, USA.

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Funny Rejected Hallmark Greeting Cards in Funny Stuff

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So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day…
Look at the bright side,
she’s a really good lay.

My tire was thumping….
I thought it was flat….
when I looked at the tire….
I noticed your cat… Sorry

You had your bladder removed
and you’re on the mends….
here’s a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You’ve announced that you’re gay,
won’t that be a laugh,
when they find out you’re one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
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Funny Alphabet According To Old People in Funny Stuff

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• A’s for arthritis

• B’s for bad back

• C’s for the chest pains.

• D is for dental decay and decline

• E is for eyesight - can’t read that top line

• F is for fissures and fluid retention

• G is for gas (which I’d rather not mention)

• And other gastrointestinal glitches

• H is high blood pressure

• I is for itches

• J is for joints that are failing to flex

• L’s for libido - what happened to sex?

• Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees

• (I’ve got a few gaps in my M-memory)

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Funny Stuff You Don’t Want To Hear During The Surgery in Funny Stuff

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# Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
# I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
# Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
# Someone call the janitor! We’re going to need a mop!
# Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
# Ya’ know… there’s big money in kidneys… and this guy’s got two of ‘em.
# Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
# Don’t tell me you forgot to bring the anatomy book!
# Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
# Damn! There go the lights again…
# What’s this doing here?
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Funny Stuff To Do When You Are Bored At Work in Funny Stuff

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At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Insist that your email address begins with ‘xena-warrior-princess’ or ‘elvis-the-king’.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write “FOR SEXUAL FAVORS”.

Finish all your sentences with, “In accordance with the prophecy.”

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.

Sing along at the opera.
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Funny Stuff To Do In A Store

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• Request a personal shopping assistant.

• Order ten pounds of corned beef at the deli counter, sliced extra thin. Walk away during the slicing of the final pound, whistling.

• Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.

• Dump out a container of liquid laundry detergent and report the spill to customer service. Repeat immediately in another aisle.

• Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all thespray air fresheners.

• Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

• Try to purchase one grape. Repeat until the laughter subsides and they feel obligated to start charging you.

• Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

• Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down. Once you have mastered this, progress to “boobs”.

• Order a dozen live lobsters and set them free throughout the store. (After removing the rubber bands from their claws, of course.)

• Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit, then arrange them into erotic poses.

• When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.

• Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.

• Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi. I haven’t seen you in so long.” etc. See if they play along. Insist on calling them ‘Bob’, and if they protest, get angry about it (violent if necissary).

• Empty a bottle of aspirin all over the floor and lie down next to it.

• As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say “BEEP” in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customers items.

• Leave small, expensive, easy-to-scan products in other people’s carts.

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Funny Signs That You Are Too Drunk in Funny Stuff

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• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

• Job interfering with your drinking.

• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence???

• Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT’s a drinking problem!

• You can focus better with one eye closed.

• The parking lot seems to have moved when you were in the bar.

• Every woman you see has an exact twin.

• You fall off the floor…

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Funny Stuff Adults Can Learn From Children in Funny Stuff

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* There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
* If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
* A 4-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
* If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
* It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room
* Baseballs make marks on ceilings
* You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
* When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
* A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way
* The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
* When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh”, it’s already too late
* Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
* A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
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Funny Pregnancy Questions in Funny Stuff

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Before The Pregnancy:

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
A: Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don’t work.

Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children are enough.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
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Funny Signs That Tell You You’re Working With Computer Hacker In Funny Stuff

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10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net.”
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