- Facts and truth really don’t have much to do with each other.
- It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.
- The last sound on the worthless earth will be two human beings trying to launch a homemade spaceship and already quarreling about where they are going next.
- If a writer has to rob his mother, he will not hesitate: The ‘Ode on a Grecian Urn’ is worth any number of old ladies.
- Hollywood is a place where a man can get stabbed in the back while climbing a ladder.
- A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
- All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible.
- I never know what I think about something until I read what I’ve written on it.
Archive for the ‘Funny Quotes’ Category
William Faulkner Funny Quotes
Saturday, December 8th, 2007Bruce Lee’s Cool And Funny Inspirational Quotes and Sayings
Thursday, December 6th, 2007“Boards don’t hit back.”
“A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.”
“A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough.”
“A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at.”
“Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself; do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it.”
“As you think, so shall you become.”
“By adopting a certain physical posture, a resonant chord is struck in spirit.”
“I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.”
“I hope martial artists are more interested in the root of martial arts and not the different decorative branches, flowers or leaves.”
“If I tell you I’m good, you would probably think I’m boasting. If I tell you I’m no good, you know I’m lying.”
(more…)
Benjamin Disraeli Funny Quotes
Wednesday, November 28th, 2007(1804 – 1881) – British Primer Minister.
- It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
- The right honourable gentleman is reminiscent of a poker. The only difference is that a poker gives off the occasional signs of warmth.
- Amusement to an observing mind is study.
- Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.
- My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
- There are three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies and statistics
- The greatest misfortune that ever befell man was the invention of printing.
- Change is inevitable. Change is constant.
Oliver Wendell Holmes Funny Quotes
Tuesday, November 27th, 2007(1809 – 1894) American Author, poet and wit.
- How many people live on the reputation of the reputation they might have made?
- Man’s mind, stretched by a new idea, never goes back to its original dimensions.
- Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
- The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.
- To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be forty years old.
- Man has will, but woman has her way.
- Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.
- Fame usually comes to those who are thinking about something else.
Woody Allen Funny Quotes
Friday, November 23rd, 2007American Oscar winning film director, writer, actor.
- The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
- I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
- I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
- I am an only child. I have one sister.
- What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Rodney Dangerfield Funny Quotes
Friday, November 23rd, 2007(b. 1921) – American comedian and actor.
- I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint…a Saint Bernard!
- One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
- I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
- With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
- In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
Groucho Marx Funny Quotes
Saturday, November 10th, 2007(1890 – 1977) – American comedian actor.
- If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn’t sell much — just an occasional sun visor.
- No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
- I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
- I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
- Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.
Ron Atkinson Funny Quotes
Friday, November 9th, 2007 (b. 1939) Ex English footballer, Manchester United Manager and tv commentator.
Nickname: ‘Big Ron’.
- On another night, they’d have won 2-2.
- The midfield is outnumbered numerically.
- For me their biggest threat is when they get into the attacking part of the field.
- Zero-zero is a big score.
- The keeper was unsighted – he still didn’t see it.
George Bernard Shaw Funny Quotes
Thursday, November 8th, 2007(1856 – 1950) Irish novelist, and critic. Winner of Nobel prize for literature.
- We don’t stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.
- Newspapers are unable, seemingly to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.
- Dancing: The vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music.
- If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they wouldn’t reach any conclusion.
- The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
George Burns Funny Quotes
Wednesday, November 7th, 2007(1896 – 1996) – American actor, writer, Oscar winner.
- When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.
- Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.
- Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty five I still had pimples.
- When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
- Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.