Archive for the ‘Funny Quotes’ Category

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Douglas Adams Funny Quotes

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

Douglas Noël Adams 1952 – 2001 – English author

  • Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
  • He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
  • I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?
  • Life is wasted on the living.
  • We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.
  • He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher… or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
  • Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
  • I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
  • I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
  • In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

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    Crazy Funny Classifieds – Part I

    Monday, December 31st, 2007
  • For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
  • We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
  • For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
  • Free one can of pork and beans with purchase of three bedroom, two bath home.
  • American flag, 60 stars. Pole included, $100.
  • Amana washer, $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
  • Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
  • Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.
  • Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
  • Wanted: Used paint.

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    Funny Tech-Support Problems

    Sunday, December 30th, 2007
  • Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
  • AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
  • A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door.
  • Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
  • Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

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    Funny Excuses

    Saturday, December 29th, 2007
  • Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.
  • Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
  • Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
  • Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
  • My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

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    Cool And Crazy Bumperstickers

    Wednesday, December 26th, 2007
  • Don’t wash this vehicle – Undergoing scientific dirt test
  • You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
  • Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
  • The Earth Is Full – Go Home
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, “Just who do you think you are?”
  • Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
  • And on the 8th day, God sobered up.
  • I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere (more…)

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    Crazy And Funny Ways To Stay Insane

    Tuesday, December 18th, 2007

    Funny Stuff

    Cool ways to annoy everyone around you. These crazy things are probably going to get you kill. But all for fun.

  • At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
  • Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
  • Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
  • Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”
  • Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
  • In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ” For Smuggling Diamonds”
  • Finish All Your sentences with “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”
  • Don’t use any punctuation

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    Funny Children’s Ideas

    Monday, December 17th, 2007

    We all know that kids can be crazy and funny. Most of the times they r super cool and make us laugh day after day. Here’s just a little bit of their craziness.

  • Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
  • Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
  • The law of gravity says it’s not fair jumping up without coming back down.
  • When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
  • Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
  • While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
  • Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
  • South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
  • Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

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    Cool Famous People Funny Sex Quotes

    Sunday, December 16th, 2007
  • “You know ‘that look’ women get when they want sex? Me neither.” ~ Steve Martin
  • “My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she’s reading.” ~ Steve Jobs
  • “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” ~ Camille Paglia
  • “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” ~ Woody Allen
  • “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  • “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” ~ Billy Crystal
  • “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” ~ Tom Clancy

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    Josh Billings Funny Quotes

    Sunday, December 9th, 2007

    (1815 – 1885) – American Humorist and Lecturer

    • Suicide is cheating the doctor’s out of a job.
    • I am a poor man, but I have this consolation: I am poor by accident, not by design.
    • Some folks are wise and some otherwise.
    • When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
    • Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.
    • Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn’t be any fun living in it, or profit.
    • Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
    • About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.

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    Somerset Maugham Funny Quotes

    Saturday, December 8th, 2007
    • The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
    • Anyone can tell the truth, but only very few of us can make epigrams.
    • Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands … but English women only hope to find in their butlers.
    • There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
    • I made up my mind long ago that life was too short to do anything for myself that I could pay others to do for me.
    • Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
    • The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.

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