“In a recent survey, 86 percent of college fraternity members admitted that they’ve had at least five drinks in a row. The other 4 percent were out cold.”

“Michael Bolton said yesterday he now wants to become an opera singer. Which is great, because now my Dad and I can hate the same kind of music.”

“Eighty-three percent of Britons say they forgive Princess Di for her infidelity. Apparently, the other 7 percent have never gotten a good look at Prince Charles.”

“That man who posed as a woman during a /2 year marriage was sentenced yesterday to a one-year jail term. Something tells me his days of acting like a woman are not quite over.”

“It’s been reported that John Bobbitt’s porno movie grossed over 10 million. I’m not sure whether that’s dollars or people.”

“The price of Prozac went up 50 percent last year. When Prozac users were asked about it, they said, ‘Whatever.’”

“A new study reveals that guests on daytime talk shows are predominantly female. Of course, most of them weren’t born that way.”

“Prince is selling his Beverly Hills mansion for $3.5 million. Realtors are advertising it as the house formerly owned by the artist formerly known as Prince.”

“Computer genius and billionaire Bill Gates’ wife is pregnant. Gates explained, ‘Don’t let the name Microsoft fool you.”

“Scientists have discovered a Chinese herb that cures alcoholism in hamsters. They’re hoping that it will cut down on the number of accidents they have on that little wheel.”

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A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

I wasn’t always black… there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

Old is always fifteen years from now.

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework.

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(b. 1952) – American Oscar winning actor.

Spielberg is so powerful he had final cut at his own circumsision.Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.

[Before opening an envelope for best supporting actress]
I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, `Back up, I don’t know how big this gets`
– (at the 71st Academy Awards)

[on Michael Jackson]
Honey, you gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you’re a black man, then you’re Diana Ross, now you’re Audrey Hepburn. Then he’s got the little beard going on. He’s like Lord Of The Rings, the entire cast. Michael’s about to jump species.

Ah…so many pedestrians, so little time…

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
– (from Mork and Mindy)

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.

When the media ask him (George Bush) a question, he answers, ‘Can I use a lifeline?’

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

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Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday’

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I bought a dog the other day…I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him…’Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!’ He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd.

Ever notice how it’s a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas…I told my roommate and he said ‘Do I know you?’

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That’s why I never take baths.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

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I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy!

So a man jumps into a taxi and says “King Arthur’s close” and the taxi driver says, “don’t worry we’ll lose him at the next lights”.

A policeman stopped me and said: “Would you please blow into this bag, sir?” I said: “What for, officer?” He said: “My chips are too hot.”

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, “You’ll drive me to my grave.” I had the car out in thirty seconds.

So I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away.” He said, “How can I help?” I said: “break my arms.”

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’. He said, ‘Yes, this my livelihood’.

A woman tells her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’
The doctor says, ‘It’s old age.’
The woman says, ‘I want a second opinion.’
The doctor says: ‘Okay – you’re ugly as well.’

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, ‘Have you got frog’s legs?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ so I said, ‘Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.’

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet – it was a marriage of convenience!

So he said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.’

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already!

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

Cos it’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaaagghhh!!’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

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• If he had gunpowder for brains he couldn’t blow his cap off.
• Brian Clough’s worse than the rain in Manchester. At least God stops that occasionally
• We absolutely annihilated England. It was a massacre. We beat them 5-4.
  – (Thoughts on a wartime Auld Enemy clash)
• You son, could start a riot in a graveyard.
  – (to Tommy Smith)
• The trouble with referees is that they know the rules, but they do not know the game.
• ‘If you are first you are first. If you are second you are nothing.’
• Football’s not a matter of life and death … it’s more important than that.

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• I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and I was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they’re crouching and hidden.
• A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
  Email to a friend There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.
• Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
• [Introducing the best adapted screenplay]
  I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87.
  – (at the 2003 Oscars®)
• What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats…or skinny.
  – (at the 2003 Oscars®)
• How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
• Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!
• First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
• There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.
• You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
• Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman – it’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal’s out of town.
  – (at the 2001 Oscars)
• I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.
• All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.
• Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
• What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

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• My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.
• Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
• Whenever I hear any one arguing for slavery I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
• How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg
• And in the end it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.
• The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly.
• If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
• My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few virtues.

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• Suicide is cheating the doctor’s out of a job.
• I am a poor man, but I have this consolation: I am poor by accident, not by design.
• Some folks are wise and some otherwise.
• When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
• Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.
• Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn’t be any fun living in it, or profit.
• Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
• About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.

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