Conan O’Brien quotes in Funny Quotes

“In a recent survey, 86 percent of college fraternity members admitted that they’ve had at least five drinks in a row. The other 4 percent were out cold.”

“Michael Bolton said yesterday he now wants to become an opera singer. Which is great, because now my Dad and I can hate the same kind of music.”

“Eighty-three percent of Britons say they forgive Princess Di for her infidelity. Apparently, the other 7 percent have never gotten a good look at Prince Charles.”

“That man who posed as a woman during a /2 year marriage was sentenced yesterday to a one-year jail term. Something tells me his days of acting like a woman are not quite over.”

“It’s been reported that John Bobbitt’s porno movie grossed over 10 million. I’m not sure whether that’s dollars or people.”

“The price of Prozac went up 50 percent last year. When Prozac users were asked about it, they said, ‘Whatever.’”
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Funny Quotes by Bill Cosby

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
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Funny Quotes By Robin Williams

(b. 1952) – American Oscar winning actor.

Spielberg is so powerful he had final cut at his own circumsision.Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.

[Before opening an envelope for best supporting actress]
I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, `Back up, I don’t know how big this gets`
– (at the 71st Academy Awards)

[on Michael Jackson]
Honey, you gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you’re a black man, then you’re Diana Ross, now you’re Audrey Hepburn. Then he’s got the little beard going on. He’s like Lord Of The Rings, the entire cast. Michael’s about to jump species.

Ah…so many pedestrians, so little time…

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
– (from Mork and Mindy)

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… the study of milkmen.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday’

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I bought a dog the other day…I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him…’Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!’ He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd.

Ever notice how it’s a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas…I told my roommate and he said ‘Do I know you?’

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That’s why I never take baths.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

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I backed a horse today at 20:1. It came in at twenty past four.

I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy!

So a man jumps into a taxi and says “King Arthur’s close” and the taxi driver says, “don’t worry we’ll lose him at the next lights”.

A policeman stopped me and said: “Would you please blow into this bag, sir?” I said: “What for, officer?” He said: “My chips are too hot.”

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, “You’ll drive me to my grave.” I had the car out in thirty seconds.

So I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away.” He said, “How can I help?” I said: “break my arms.”

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’. He said, ‘Yes, this my livelihood’.
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(1913 – 1981) – Scottish Football Manager of Liverpool. One of the world’s greatest managers.

• If he had gunpowder for brains he couldn’t blow his cap off.
• Brian Clough’s worse than the rain in Manchester. At least God stops that occasionally
• We absolutely annihilated England. It was a massacre. We beat them 5-4.
  – (Thoughts on a wartime Auld Enemy clash)
• You son, could start a riot in a graveyard.
  – (to Tommy Smith)

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(b. 1945) – American actor, comedian, writer.

• I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and I was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they’re crouching and hidden.
• A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
  Email to a friend There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.
• Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
• [Introducing the best adapted screenplay]
  I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87.
  – (at the 2003 Oscars®)

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(1809 – 1865) – American President.

• My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.
• Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
• Whenever I hear any one arguing for slavery I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
• How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg

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(1815 – 1885) – American Humorist and Lecturer

• Suicide is cheating the doctor’s out of a job.
• I am a poor man, but I have this consolation: I am poor by accident, not by design.
• Some folks are wise and some otherwise.
• When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
• Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.

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