Funny Pregnancy Questions in Funny Stuff

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Before The Pregnancy:

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
A: Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don’t work.

Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children are enough.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.

During The Pregnancy:

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A: Your therapist.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q: I normally wear a size 34-C brNow that I’m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A: Not if you don’t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you’re doing with them.

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out your pregnant.

Q: What are forceps?
A: Giant baby tweezers.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

After The Pregnancy:

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it’s a girl, for starters.

Q: What is the grasp reflex?
A: The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts.

Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away?
A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q: What causes baby blues?
A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean brIt beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

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