Funny Stuff Videos

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I backed a horse today at 20:1. It came in at twenty past four.

I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy!

So a man jumps into a taxi and says “King Arthur’s close” and the taxi driver says, “don’t worry we’ll lose him at the next lights”.

A policeman stopped me and said: “Would you please blow into this bag, sir?” I said: “What for, officer?” He said: “My chips are too hot.”

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, “You’ll drive me to my grave.” I had the car out in thirty seconds.

So I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away.” He said, “How can I help?” I said: “break my arms.”

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’. He said, ‘Yes, this my livelihood’.
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A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that’s right - women can browse men from floors of choices.

Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes… a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?

So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
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There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
“Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
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The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records and actually happened…

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
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(1913 - 1981) - Scottish Football Manager of Liverpool. One of the world’s greatest managers.

• If he had gunpowder for brains he couldn’t blow his cap off.
• Brian Clough’s worse than the rain in Manchester. At least God stops that occasionally
• We absolutely annihilated England. It was a massacre. We beat them 5-4.
  – (Thoughts on a wartime Auld Enemy clash)
• You son, could start a riot in a graveyard.
  – (to Tommy Smith)

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Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called “Mate Match“.

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers “yes”, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you’ve heard yet. Anyway, here’s how it all went down:

DJ: “Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?”

Contestant: (laughing) “Yes, I have.”

DJ: “Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.”

Contestant: “Brian.”
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(b. 1945) - American actor, comedian, writer.

• I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and I was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they’re crouching and hidden.
• A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
  Email to a friend There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.
• Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
• [Introducing the best adapted screenplay]
  I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87.
  – (at the 2003 Oscars®)

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Here comes one from the Funny Stuff

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “mother”, although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house.

“But mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?”
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