I backed a horse today at 20:1. It came in at twenty past four.

I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy!

So a man jumps into a taxi and says “King Arthur’s close” and the taxi driver says, “don’t worry we’ll lose him at the next lights”.

A policeman stopped me and said: “Would you please blow into this bag, sir?” I said: “What for, officer?” He said: “My chips are too hot.”

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, “You’ll drive me to my grave.” I had the car out in thirty seconds.

So I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away.” He said, “How can I help?” I said: “break my arms.”

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’. He said, ‘Yes, this my livelihood’.

A woman tells her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’
The doctor says, ‘It’s old age.’
The woman says, ‘I want a second opinion.’
The doctor says: ‘Okay - you’re ugly as well.’

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, ‘Have you got frog’s legs?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ so I said, ‘Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.’

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

So he said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.’

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already!

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

Cos it’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaaagghhh!!’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

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