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(b. 1952) – American Oscar winning actor.
Spielberg is so powerful he had final cut at his own circumsision.Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
[Before opening an envelope for best supporting actress]
I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, `Back up, I don’t know how big this gets`
– (at the 71st Academy Awards)
[on Michael Jackson]
Honey, you gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you’re a black man, then you’re Diana Ross, now you’re Audrey Hepburn. Then he’s got the little beard going on. He’s like Lord Of The Rings, the entire cast. Michael’s about to jump species.
Ah…so many pedestrians, so little time…
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
– (from Mork and Mindy)
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
(more…)
Some cool man bought a brand new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the speed control needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw some flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no fuc…. way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The speed control needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “Wtf am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
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“You will find a bushel of money.”
“Your smile will tell you what makes you feel good.”
“You are going to have some new clothes.”
“Your family is young, gifted and attractive.”
“There is a true and sincere friendship between you both.”
“The night life is for you.”
“Face facts with dignity.”
“You are magnetic in your bearing.”
“You are free to invent your life.”
“Good sense is the master of human life.”
“Maybe someday we will live on the moon!”
“Don’t panic.”
“If you don’t have time to live your life now, when will you?”
“Ignorance never settles a question.”
(more…)
Two pretty close friends were in some bar drinking a beer when one of them pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter so he just asked his friend if he had one..
“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out some huge 10 inch Bic lighter.
“Wow!” his friend said, “where did you get that huge monster.”
“I got it from my friend genie.”
“You have a genie friend?” he asked.
“Yes, he’s right here in my pocket.”
“Could I see that genie of urs?”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.
The friend says, “Hey there ….. I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”
“Yes I will,” the genie said so he asks him for a few millions of dollars and the genie hops back into his master’s pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his millions.
About this time,some duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then some more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, “wtf is going on here, I asked for a millions of bucks not freaking ducks!”
He answers, “I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?”
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… the study of milkmen.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday’
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I bought a dog the other day…I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him…’Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!’ He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd.
Ever notice how it’s a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas…I told my roommate and he said ‘Do I know you?’
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That’s why I never take baths.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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One hot evening a funny husband, thinking it would be being hilarious, said to his beautiful wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in that Slim Fast. U never know … Maybe it would take a few inches off of your big butt!” His beautiful wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a “funny” comment go unrewarded.
The next morning funny husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the fu…k is this?” he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. ‘April,’ he hollered into the toalet, “Why did you put this talcum powder in my sexy underwear?”
She replied with a devil look on her face, “It’s not talcum powder baby … it’s Miracle Grow!”
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A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
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On October 13, 1944, the Durham N. C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite had
been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having parked his car on
a restricted street right in front of a sign that read “No Stoping.”
Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter
in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the law. Brandishing a
Webster’s ldictionary, he noted that stoping means:
“extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground.”
“Your Honor”, said the man, “I am a law-abiding citizen and I didn’t
extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be dismissed.”
Acknowledging that the defendant hadn’t done any illegal mining, the judge
declared the man not guilty and commented, “since this is Friday, the 13th,
anything can happen, so I’ll turn you loose.”
“No Stoping” is a blunderful example of the suspect signs and botched
billboards that dot the American landscape. Here are some other signs that need
to be re-signed:
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