(b. 1921) – American comedian and actor.
- I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint…a Saint Bernard!
- One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
- I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
- With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
- In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
- I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
- I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
- Yeah, I know I’m ugly…I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
- My wife was afraid of the dark…then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.